Bella and Alex have a trundle bed: Alex's twin bed has a twin-size mattress that pulls out from under his, like a big drawer. That's where Bella sleeps. Every night, Alex, Bella and I lie down together. I lie with Bella until she's asleep, then I quietly get up and leave. Usually Alex is still awake and he tells me goodnight as I'm going out the door.
Alex suffers from "middle child syndrome," like most middle children do from time to time. He constantly feels like Sofia gets privileges that he doesn't (she does get some, because she's 4 years older). And he often fights with Bella, partially out of resentment for the attention she gets for being the youngest. I get it.
Or do I?
Cristina is the oldest of her siblings and I am the youngest. Neither of us has experience being a middle child.
As I lay on the bed last night, Bella was having trouble falling asleep. Sometimes she lies on top of my chest, usually she snuggles into the crook of my arm. Alex, from his vantage point on his bed, watches us snuggle every night. Last night, I had a revelation about middle children. It's simple, really. But I had never really processed it before.
Middle children don't have a hard time because they are denied things that their siblings enjoy. They have a hard time because they constantly witness their siblings receiving the benefits that they once had, and will one day have. They live in this peculiar bubble of time where they no longer remember being snuggled every night, though they must witness the younger sister's snuggles with her papa. They can't think beyond the day, let alone 4 years into the future, so they take no solace in the reminder that when they are 13 years old, they too will be allowed to stay up late and watch movies with the parents on Saturday nights. They resent the treatment of their brothers and sisters precisely because they can't remember or forecast ever receiving the same treatment. And so they feel neglected, like they were left out, even though they too had their time, and will have many more delicious privileges to come.
This revelation made me want to crawl up into Alex's bed and snuggle with him, but it also made we consider another response: to emphasize the privileges that the middle child receives that the oldest and the youngest don't receive.
And if I can't think of any, I'll make some up.
I'll let you know how it works out.
4 comments:
What a great perspective. I am an oldest child, and my husband well, he is from a really messed up family. Sure at the moment we only have the 2, but have discussed adding another, that puts my sweet loving Gwennie in middle child position. I try to imagine her there, and worry that it will zap some of her love and sweetness.
Like you, I was the youngest. Of course I remember being left out of things simply because i was too young to do...whatever. Maybe there will be some things that Bella is too young to do and Sofie is too old but Alex is just right. I am sure you will think of something. Like your family, there were two girls and one boy in my family. I always felt my brother had more privileges just because he was a boy and both of them had more privileges because they were older than me. I never felt privileged to be the youngest but then like you said, I can't remember all of the babying I received that my sibs resented....
I can relate to the middle child syndrome, I am the middle child and have a middle child so i can definately see where Alex fits in. it is hard and sometimes we just feel lost and not special, you're not the "oldest" or the "youngest", your just that hangin in the middle.....your right we don't remember when we were the youngest, and of course we never were the oldest. Just try to make his place in the family feel special to him.
love you all
It seems that no matter where you fall in the family, the grass is greener elsewhere. Oldest children have great responsibility to watch out for younger ones and set good examples for them (though they fall short in both areas at times). I must say that being oldest has never made me feel special or any more special than my siblings. I don't remember being an only child. But I also don't remember feeling jealous of the younger children till I was out of the house. What I really want to say is that it is easy to see the negatives and harder to see the positives. I believe it is human nature and part of survival of the fittest in some weird way that is too long and complicated to go into here. But I don't think you can go wrong snuggling with your middle child when you get the urge if he'll allow it.
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